you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
