the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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