There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize