Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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