Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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