My cat gives me a boner
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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