remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just had sex on a roof
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
