this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
