shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
