I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
