I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
