You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
