I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
