he shaved USA in his pubs
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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