On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
