I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
