If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
