oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
