Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
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