I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
