I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
