I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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