before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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