Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
