I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
