ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Just pee around me
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
