My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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