The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
