I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Randomize
