remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
