I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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