I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
