Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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