You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
soo... how was my night?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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