I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
babies were throwing up all over the place
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
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My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
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She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
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