I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
