When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
