i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
worst night to have a conscience
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
