Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
