So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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