the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
