Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
