I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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