Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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