Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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