can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
