I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Randomize
