Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
