Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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