it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
