the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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