My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
