my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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