I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
