Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
