my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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