My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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