Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
