dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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