Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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